I'm not a journalist,buuuut....

There have been complaints about my inconsistency in blogging. Actually one complaint. No one really reads my insightful and heartfelt pieces. On the plus side, the one person is NOT my mum so yaaay! and sorry Duncan. I'll try harder :)

Since its Easter weekend and I've been abandonned by virtually EVERYONE, I'm bored. So today I picked up a newspaper (I read them once in a while. I mostly depend on the internet for information. It's faster,easier and cheaper although sometimes the information I get has even less substance than the info in those tabloids for 10 bob. Those things have the funniest stories!!! But I digress...)and I was appalled. I read the worst piece of journalism. Actually let me rephrase that, my eyes were assaulted by the worst piece of attempted journalism that has ever been printed. I won't name the paper. I'm not sure of the legal ramifications of that...(as if they'd ever find this blog).The content of the story wasn't so bad (kinda boring and obvious but not bad) but the grammar! Oh Lord! I thought newspapers had editors. Did the editor go on holiday? Did he let his 10 year old kid do his work for him? WAS HE HIGH??? I wont claim to be an expert on journalism- as seen in the way I write- but I know someone somewhere is definitely not doing their job. I'm offended that he (I'll assume the editor was a man. I still have faith in women) thought no one would notice that atrocity. That article has even given me hope. I dont need to find a profitable talent. I just need to write for that paper. You clearly only need to have made it through standard 4 to write for them so I'll be good. The worst thing about the article was the attempts at humour...they were so painfull that I was wincing as I read them. I acknowledge that not everyone has my undeniable wit and uncanny sense of timing *flips hair over shoulder* but the guy could have tried harder.

In completely unrelated news this song is AWESOME. It's made me molest the repeat button - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXWlmg6p0-g

Naked people

As usual I have a misleading title. I'm not going to complain about the fact that a large number of my fellow women have been gradually developing an allergy to clothes (though it IS very rant-worthy). Today, its about the government's secret plan to make us naked. The reasons for this are not quite clear to me yet but conspiracy theorists(not really.Just me) think the government intends to make the most of prostitution before it becomes legal i.e. make all women look like whores so we can get arrested and fined for prostitution thus increasing the amount of money available for our leaders to take their mistresses on holiday, build mansions and buy gigantic T.V's to watch the rest of us die of starvation in HD. I digress. The topic is nudity. So last night on the news I saw that they're levying taxes on mitumba clothes. As an average Kenyan citizen of average means I was appalled. I don't like to use a lot of money on ANYTHING!(Mostly because I rarely have any but that's not the point) Mitumba provides an alternative source of affordable but fashion forward clothing for Kenyans who don't like going into a store and seeing one t-shirt reproduced 30 times and more importantly for those who can't afford the things in those stores whose target is the middle and upper class Kenyan who makes up less than half the population. Why are they taxing them?? People are already taxed for everything. Its not as if there's no money. We can see the money going to buy the M.P's chairs costing 200,000 bob and buying expensive cars and hiring foreign lawyers to represent them for crimes they committed against the very people who chose them to lead...ANYWAY, I digress again. So yes. They are imposing taxes so that we cant afford clothes leaving us with no choice but to wear fewer items of clothing, making us look like ladies of the night so we can get arrested and fined for prostitution. Yeah. I said it.

Ban evil children...happy new year!

Happy new year! First post of 2012 which is apparently the end of the world (again). I personally think that people keep predicting the end of the world because they get off on the idea. I don't mean that most people are necrophiliacs... I just mean that the danger that comes with being so close to death is a turn on, but its also safe because you're not REALLY putting yourself at risk. Religions that believe in any kind of apocalypse clearly state that no human can ever be right in predicting the end days so why bother? I'll tell you why. It's exciting :) ANYWAY, that's just me.

I want to start off this year by complaining about demonic babies. No, not those insane children who try to bite your toes and leap off tables like some miniature version of cat-woman(I'm not making this up. I met this child). Those babies are just hyper-active. I'm talking about those movies that have possessed kids or demons disguised as children. It is seriously freaky! I don't scare easily but when a movie has an axe-murdering, soul sucking or shape-shifting child I can almost die. I think horror movies should be like porn. You cant act in it unless you're above 18 or else they'll arrest your parents or whoever they arrest. Anyone found selling films with such content should be fined or beaten or whatever and there should be campaigns against child-horrorography (not a word). Who's with me?!!!

In unrelated news: 2011 was an amazing year for me. Thanks to all the amazing people in my life who played their part (some more than others :)) in my 2011, there are so many moments that will torment me/ I'll cherish for the rest of my life. I don't like to be overly emotional or personal on the internet so yeah...mnajijua :)

meh...

I haven't posted anything in I think over a month mostly because I've been too happy to complain about anything (someone's doing a good job ;)) and partly because I've been too lazy to type...but now that my lecturers and fellow students are on strike (again) I have time to plague the internet with my sense of self-importance. Why else would anyone start a blog like this? I think that my fleeting thoughts are mostly strokes of such sheer genius that I have to share them with the 2 other people that read my blog. Now let me talk about this strike thing. Or rather complain...

My lecturers went on strike this week and at first I was happy. I was hoping it would last a couple of days or at most a week so that I could have some time to breathe and start some of the many, many, MANY assignments I have never even looked at. It seems that my prayers were answered a little bit too well. Now I have no idea when the strike or rather 'downing of tools' (apparently the strike was illegal so they stopped calling it a strike and carried on) will end. I'm not very worried. I guess the time lost will be recovered by eating into my holiday but for other students it's kind of unfair. Imagine you're just about to graduate then boom; Str...er...downing of tools. I get why the lecturers are pissed off. I would absolutely do the same thing if I was paid- or rather not paid- the way they are so once again the fault lies with the government. I say 'once again' because almost all the problems we have as a country are the fault of our government. Think of a problem and you can almost certainly find a way to trace it back to the government. Unemployment, inflation, bad t.v.(not really). Democracy is so over-rated...I think we need a new political system. Dictatorship is not a plan and democracy is just dictatorship in heels and a minidress.ANYWAY, I try not to get too heavy on my blog because I am a happy person. Kinda. I'm also afraid that the secret police will come after me.(Do we have secret police?)

unfairy-like tales

Sometimes the random things I tweet make me think more deeply about the issues...when I say 'the issues' I wish I meant world peace and a cure for AIDS but alas, my mind is sometimes not such a noble place. The issues in this case refers to fairy tales. So, the tweet was about how Snow White blacked out (i was referring to what happens to many a young lad/lass during their late teens and early twenties when alcohol and large sums of money-or cheap liquor- are are readily available) and Cinderella was on hallucinogens. I'm just saying, the chick believed she rode in a pumpkin for God's sake. In my mind I see a seriously shroomed girl sitting on a pumpkin and yelling at a rat to hurry up lest they get late.
So I started remembering the origins of some nursery rhymes. Those cute songs you used to sing...not so cute. Most of them are about murders, betrayals and other things children should never sing about that happened in England a couple of hundred years ago. Jack and Jill is possibly about the beheading of Marie Antoinette and her husband King Louis the 16th, 'a ring a ring o' roses' is about the plague (yes, when you said 'atishoo we all fall down' you were actually saying 'we all got the plague and dropped dead'), pop goes the weasel was about killing traitors...the list is endless (ok not endless, just long).

side bar: rub a dub dub Though I don't know the origin of this nursery rhyme, it bugs me. If you don't know the rhyme GOOGLE IT and explain to me what 3 men are doing in a tub. It sounds nasty...especially since one of them is a candle-stick maker O.O

ANYWAY, this got me to thinking about an alternate reality where there's a reasonable explanation for what happened in those fairy tales we loved so much as kids. Sadly none of them have happy endings. I think Snow White may have been roofied by one of the dwarfs who was paid off by prince charming...SO...maybe I will write my own slightly altered, not for kids version of fairy tales, give you a little taste of what probably really would have happened if our beloved princesses had actually lived (think of the fairy god mother being some old witchdoctor with kamote (sp)). We'll see.
***By the way, if you're wondering why or how I know the origins of nursery rhymes, don't. I am a very deep well of the most useless information and I'm not even sure how I know these things. Only one thing is for sure...I will never need to know more than half the things I know.You know?(Sorry.couldn't resist :) )

Designer Babies

There's something I watched on TV a while ago about scientists working to find a way to manipulate genes so that people could chose what kind of children they want to have. It IS an appealing thought. You can make sure your kids are beautiful, tall, smart...have dimples...whatever you want, but its kind of unethical. I'm one of those people who believe in only letting technology help us to a certain extent. When it comes to making babies, I think the natural process is best (hehe!) i.e. pick a hot spouse and hope the genes of your unattractive great-grandparent or daft cousin don't somehow manage to manifest themselves in your baby. In related news I heard that Kim Kardashian got married recently. Quite honestly I think if she had a baby by anyone (even his excellency the president. That is a disgusting thought though *shudder* ) the kid would have to be attractive but when I saw a picture of her husband...WHAT! Their children will not be accepted into the society. They will be outcasts. Too gorgeous for normal human beings to comprehend. Ok, enough with the hyperbole. There was a point to this story...other than to state that those two humans are genetically gifted to the point where its almost unfair. Its like they took a large portion of the world's prettiness and ate it, then left the rest of us to share. Unequally. Ah yes,the point. The point is, these are smart people. You want attractive babies, have them with an attractive person. Two pretty people cannot beget an ugly one (unless the father is not really the father, something which is apparently more common than we think).
Maybe in a few years they'll perfect the designer baby idea and we'll have a Hitler situation. Think about it. If they make it available to everyone it will at first obviously be expensive so the poor and the religiously-inclined will be left out of it. There will be a class of intellectually gifted and attractive people who control the world because they are also rich. How long will it take before they decide that they're better than everyone else and its world war 2 all over again (how does world domination keep finding its way into my posts???). Anyway, I'm not particularly bothered. I'll be dead by the time the 'beautiful ones' have grown up and taken over the world. I wonder if they'll find this post (the way we find hieroglyphics) and say that I was making a prophecy. People seem to love such crap. Though if they continue to read up to this point they might hunt down my descendants to pay for my insolence...hehe...I should stop talking now...

Of nails and nipples

You may have started reading this thinking its some raunchy story involving nudity and maybe some S&M. I'm sorry to disappoint you but as it is the holy month of Ramadhan I have no such story to share...

DISCLAIMER: I would like to state that I am in no way insinuating that I have such stories to tell during any other month of the year...and even if I did I wouldn't tell you :)

Anyway, I've been on this subject before but it was about the Tyrannosaurus Rex's devolution into a chicken, which by the way still cracks me up -excuse the pun (chicken,egg...cracking...get it?If you don't think that was funny you have a problem). Now I want to ask people who believe in evolution some questions. This has bothered me for quite a while... why do men have nipples? I seriously need to know. They have no visible function. Is it an aesthetic thing?Nipple-less men look weird?If no men had nipples it would be a common thing so WHY do men have nipples? Another thing. Should we have nails? Since we have knives and stuff and I highly doubt there are people still grasping onto tree barks for their survival (or whatever monkey-people did) so we should have very tiny or no nails. Except for women prone to violence. Those ones require long sharp nails and long hair preferably located in the middle of the head to allow their opponents to grab on and pull. They also require loud, high-pitched voices so as to scare off would-be opponents with a vast vocabulary of obscenities...I can totally be a narrator on National Geograpic...anyway. That is all for now, but I'll be back with more things to complain about soon (I hope).

Side bar: Saum Maqbul to my Muslim brothers and sisters and don't forget to watch out for Lailat-ul Qadr during the last 10 days. Masaalam.