Hello... Kind of

Hey!

It's been a couple of years since I posted. I've been writing and deleting a lot but I think I'm going to start posting a bit more consistently (read more than once a year). I'm switching platforms to this website for no clearly defined reason. I posted my first post and hope you see the clear growth and increased intelligence in my opinions. lol.

See you on the other website.

oops!

First of all, Sorry. I just logged in today and saw the nonsense  on my last post. I'm not sure what exactly happened...the website decided to translate the language of an entire paragraph of the post into a mixture of Russian and and eating noises. So if by any chance you read the last post before I edited it, I apologize. If you read it and thought I was creating a new language, thank you for thinking that I am of Tolkien-esque awesomeness. Let it be known that though I AM amazing, there are people I just can't even compare myself to for fear of murder by their respective fandoms and smitement(I'm not sure of the past tense of smite and I don't want to open another tab so I'll stick with this one) by God for pretending that I'm on the level of some of His best work.Just off the top of my head and not in any particular order;

1. J.R. R. Tolkien
I don't even need to explain this one. I therefore will just say Lord of the Rings
2. George R.R. Martin
Again...self explanatory. A song of Ice and Fire

Sidebar;  What is it with the R.R.'s? Do those initials hold some sort of literary power? If my middle initials were R.R. would I be getting paid for this blog right now? Should I name my kids*name* R.R. *name* to ensure that they at least have one profitable talent?(I need one of those...all my talents will probably lose me money instead ) Anyway, studies need to be done.

3. J.K. Rowling
This woman changed my life. She made me wait for an owl, cry so hard I scared everyone in the vicinity, try to make butter beer...*sigh*
4. Serj Tankien
System of a Down needs to come back

I'm done for now. The top of my head is actually not very deep...but there are a lot of brilliant minds. Don't even get me started on the scientists!!!I'm not even talking about the Einsteins and Teslas of the world. If you think about every single device you use today(mechanical or not) you'll realize just how many great people there are that we never even think about. Special shout outs to Admiral Grace Hopper who came up with the compiler(translates human language to computer language) and helped create the first computer language and Carl von Linden who made the first modern fridge. Why these two in particular? Because the fridge and computer are the things I spend the most time with.

Girl crush

I loooooooooooooooove Chimamanda Adichie. Not in a lesbian way, in a stalker way...hehe...I kid. Kind of. On a serious note this woman is amazing. My first encounter with her (look at me, all stalker-y and stuff) was on youtube. It was 2010 and I'd just been introduced to TED talks (another thing I love but with fewer o's)and I came across her talk on the danger of a single story ; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9Ihs241zeg < and just fell in love. She was so poised and eloquent and pretty...I said I would buy her book IMMEDIATELY.  Sometimes when I say immediately I mean in about a year and that's exactly what happened. A year later I'm looking for the 'A Song of Ice and Fire'(ASOIAF) series of books for my sister's birthday (had them on soft copy but she's not into e-books and was waiting to buy the whole set in paperback, why she's fighting technology I'll never know) and I saw Purple Hibiscus. The universe was calling to me, telling me I needed to read this book. Either that or the buy 4 books get one free offer. One of the two. Best decision I made that day. Her characters are so deep. I love those books which as you read, you feel what the characters are feeling, you wonder why they're doing what they're doing. Those characters that make you want to reach into the book to stop them from doing what they're about to do because they're so real to you that you can't help but invest emotionally. Learning that I was mispronouncing Kambili's name in my head and watching Jaja change...and the familiar African things like  going to dingy places to get your hair braided...haha! Half of a Yellow Sun was the next one. I invested even more in those characters. I liked how weird Kainene was. She's one of those characters who you really want to know more about, so sure of herself and intimidating but unattractive. Always in the shadow of her hot sister where men are concerned but not in any other sphere of life. I've just finished Americana. Unputdownable! I made the mistake of starting it on a week day. I have done very little work since. So don't start it unless you don't have things to do or have the self control of a celibate monk. I know most people haven't read it yet so all I'll say is if it hadn't ended the way it did I would have been sad and mopey all weekend.
We need more writers like her!

Do the twist

So I'm a young woman trapped in an old woman's body. Or I have an old woman's knee trapped inside my body. Or I am young but I just had really bad luck with my knee this week. I have somehow managed to get an injury that is usually only seen in footballers and tennis players. What was I doing when this happened? WAKING UP. IN THE MORNING. Like an 80 year old woman I tore a ligament just by waking up in the morning. As I lay there screaming for 5-10 minutes ( I can't really scream so I was just saying 'owowowowow') I thanked God my room mate had gone home for Christmas because a week later I honestly can't explain what happened without people laughing at me. Coincidentally my brother was scheduled for surgery the same week so we got to chill out in the discomfort of hospital rooms much to the irritation of my nurses who kept not finding me where I was supposed to be. I'm beginning to wonder if I didn't just get a sympathetic disease so I could keep him company in hospital...Anyway it was a horrific experience but I am an eternal optimist-not really- so on the bright side I got to see the inside of my knee and talk to some pretty awesome people. The inside of your knee is very interesting looking by the way...

SIDEBAR: You know the way people claim to have old souls? Why would you want to have anything old? Old things are subject to wear, tear and knee twists. Old things should come with old age, when they're expected and necessary not on a random morning

I am woman, hear me rant!

I've been meaning to post this for a while...it's been lying in my drafts awaiting that final read up to make sure my grammar indicates that I at least went to high school

First and foremost I would like to declare that I am a feminist. Anyone who knows me is rolling his/her eyes right now as this is not really a revelation. I've never been quiet about it but there was a point where I didn't want to be called a feminist because of the image it brings to people's minds of unshaven, butch lesbian women throwing dirty looks at men and burning bras because they are 'symbols of our oppression'. I appreciate bras, they allow women to run and drive on rough terrains without wincing and while I do give men the stink eye on occasion I assure you it's only because they deserve it. I'm just tired of the bad rap feminism and feminists have been getting because of a few women whose views don't necessarily represent those of the average modern day woman. Unfortunately I've been told that my views don't really represent those of the average modern day woman either( the actual phrase used was 'please don't speak on behalf of women') so this is just my two cents. 

The idea of this post came to me (look at me sounding like an artist) when my significant other sent me an article about Kim Kardashian being an overlooked symbol of feminism. NO. I say NO to this. She is anything but overlooked. On a serious note though, I don't agree that she's a symbol of feminism. She is an extraordinary businesswoman and a role model for marketers and entrepreneurs but she isn't doing anything women have never done before. She's arguably participating in the oldest trade women are known to engage in. No, not prostitution -people always say its the oldest profession... I think it's farming- but using beauty for social and economical mobility or simply to get what they want. I'm actually of the opinion that the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden was a banana. Which man is going to say no to a naked woman eating a banana?*looks around for a lighting bolt* I digress, Ms Kardashian isn't doing anything to advance women's rights. She may be a feminist( I'm working on the assumption that all sane women are) but she's not a symbol of feminism.

Then there's all the silliness about the barbie dolls. A section of women are campaigning against barbie dolls claiming that they're giving little girls self-esteem issues. Apparently the dolls give girls unrealistic views of how their bodies are supposed to look. Look, I had teddy bears. I did not feel the need to grow fur and walk on all fours...well...maybe I did pretend to be a bear at some point but I knew that the teddy bear was a toy and that I am human. I played with barbie dolls too and while most of them ended up decapitated for some reason, I don't remember feeling inadequate to this inanimate object or wishing my belly button would disappear. I understand that the social pressure has increased on women to look a certain way but it all boils down to you in the end. As a friend(Duncan you're being quoted, bask in this moment) of mine once told me, there's a reason it's called SELF-esteem. I have a feeling that some women are projecting their insecurities onto their daughters. Teach them how to love themselves not in spite of but because of their differences and they'll be fine. Leave barbie alone.

To me, a true symbol of feminism is a person or a group of people who inspire others to push the boundaries society has set for them. It doesn't have to be on purpose and the symbol doesn't even have to be a woman fighting for women's rights. Wangari Maathai was the first African woman to get a Nobel Peace Prize, she's DEFINITELY a symbol of feminism. She was a pioneer and has motivated not just women but people to care for their environment. Mekatilili wa Menza fought colonialists so hard, they called her a witch. Joan of Arc- though in my opinion mildly insane- led armies. Rosa Parks, Marie Curie, your grandmothers who fought for the right to allow their daughters to go to school, those are the true symbols of feminism. So instead of bashing barbie dolls and men as a true feminist your job is to help other people, not just women, get to where they need to be. 

NB; Men don't feel left out...we'll always need you for spider killing and heavy lifting. Hehe... I kid. We have insect repellent and cranes for that

I honestly can't think of a title for this one

I come here today with the sage musings of a woman in her early 20's. I may not have lived long and you may think that I can't be taken seriously (well...that's mostly my fault) but my experiences so far have led me to believe that I'm mostly right about a lot of things. I realize that may sound a bit obnoxious, but yeah. It's true. I was hanging out with some ex-classmates and I thought about how easy it still was to talk to them about the personal things going on in my life. We may not have seen each other in months but whenever we meet we spill everything. Friends are like...er...something that can be classified(sorry, couldn't find anything good to allude to). There are so many kinds but these are the ones I've identified in my many years as a human...that makes it sound like I used to be something else but lets go with it;

1. Party pals
We all know these ones. We call them when we want to go out. They're fun, usually loud and are almost always ready to go wherever, whenever at whatever time. You're not that close, but you know basic stuff about each other and check up on each other once in a while.

2.The ones who are always there
These are usually friends of circumstance. You may not like most of the same things but you see each other so often that you start to find similarities. These friends can graduate to become more serious friends but most of the time when you stop seeing each other so often the friendship dies.

3.The ex friend
No, not the person you used to date then became friends with (I think that's nearly impossible though...most relationships end in fire,brimstone and crying), that friend you used to be close to then something happened. Either you grew apart or someone did something or thought someone did something...anyway it got complicated and now your conversations are either one sided or shallow.

3.The 'haha!' friend
You always have so much fun with these friends. You don't share most of your problems with them but you miss them when they aren't there because they are really good people. You may share multiple interests and these friends can graduate to well rounded friends.

4.The well rounded friend
I'm happy to have many of these. These are the awesome ones. The ones you can talk to even after being away from for a while because you were still in touch. You can party with them and they're always there...not necessarily in the physical sense. These are the ones who know really embarrassing things about you and have seen you pull absolutely ridiculous stunts while sober.

There are friends who are in between stages but I think I've got most of them covered. Another thing I've realized as a 20something year old woman is that only a woman can think up this stuff. Men don't care :D

Goodbye

No. Stop crying. I'm not discontinuing my blog. I love this slice of the internet where I diligently post erratic and discontinuous musings about life in general. I really have tried to be more regular but enyewe... I have a really bad memory. Also sometimes when I think of something to post its just one line in upper case letters so I just tweet those thoughts. Anyway why am I saying goodbye or what/ to who(or is it whom?I'm never sure) am I bidding farewell? No it is not school, even though I'm on holiday (yaaaay!) . To answer this question I have to explain what happened...

Look at me making this seem so interesting and dramatic. You're going to be so disappointed :D

I'm a member of my university's swim team. Kind of. I joined 2 years ago and randomly attend practice and participate in galas. Yesterday I agreed to compete in a gala tomorrow and the last time I trained was more than 6 months ago. This is stupidity of epic proportions. When did I realize this? When I got winded just from walking to the bus stop.
People don't realize how much stamina you need as a swimmer, there's a lot of breath control and blablabla so if you get short of breath after walking for a few minutes its a sign that you need to not be participating in swimming competitions.
So I'm saying goodbye in case it happens that as I dive into the pool to do my 50m breast stroke(not what it sounds like. Hehe! Kind of sounds like I'm going to be groped for 50 metres) and my unfit body just sinks to the bottom of the pool then I decide to stay there out of sheer embarrassment.
My only motivation is that girls generally quit swimming after high school so there won't be much competition... I may not be alone at the bottom of the pool.

Dream job

I'm finally done with exams so now I feel like 2013 has begun. HAPPY NEW YEAR for real this time :). Now that I'm relaxed ideas for posts are just swimming around in my head and today I picked this one. As kids we're so creative and we believe we can do anything so when someone asks us what we want to be when we grow up the answers are WILD. The older you grow the more you start thinking, 'Ok. Time to be practical and boring. Let me choose something that's obvious and stable.' Well...you don't say that exactly but you start thinking it. School and older relatives support this by attempting to push you towards certain career paths because 'they make a lot of money' or 'it's respectable' so by the time you're 18 you have about 2 options. And they're never crazy options. They're already existing things that just require you to follow a procedure and get a degree. I'm not saying this is bad, we need all these professionals but I'm just saying we lose our creativity when it comes to careers.I decided to go back to my roots...what did I want to do as a child. I really can't remember all of them but here are a couple;

1. Chocolate taster
Its not a real career but I was all about creating job opportunities for myself as a child. I still wish it was a career option sometimes...ok, all the time. I would probably be morbidly obese but hey. It's chocolate!

2. Astronaut
I love space and space things (Dr. Who!!!! I want a tardis for my birthday) so this seemed like an obvious option.Going where almost noone has been and just being in a space shuttle were ideas that appealed to me. This idea fell through when I decided that I'd be homesick in space -I was 8. Shut up- but I've recently decided that maybe the dream isn't really dead...we'll see.

3. Work for National Geographic
Not as a presenter- I  like my anonymity...clearly- but as a researcher or part of the camera crew or something. They get to see the most amazing things and go to the BEST places in the world and they get paid to do it!!! I was very passionate about this... then life happened, but this is in the same category as the astronaut thing :)

4. Vet
It's not unique or particularly interesting... but yeah. I thought it was a good idea until I realized that cows and goats also get sick. That died pretty fast :D

Arab Money

Happy new year!! *insert all corny new year jokes* Now that I'm done with that I can move on to more pressing issues. I was lucky enough to have spent part  of my holiday in Dubai- bought a bunch of useless Arabian paraphernalia that I'm very proud of- and I have never felt so much like a child of poverty from a third world country. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I'm one of those Africans who'd never left Africa so it was crazy. I'm sure there's someone scoffing at me thinking 'Europe is better' but since I only see Europe via TV I'm going to go ahead and say that Dubai is the most beautiful city in the world. Funny thing though, I only saw a handful of Arabs. Other than on the road driving ridiculously sexy cars and at some tourist sites the Arabs were scarce. Then a taxi driver explained why...they don't work. Their government has put in place policies that they basically get the rest of the world to work for them. I wish my government would so the same thing for me...hehe...anyway, the sad thing is that place is a desert yet somehow they've managed to outdo us to a level that's even sad. Even their museums almost made me drool (I love museums). Holographs, videos, interactive screens and an entire Arab market made in a way that makes you feel like you've been taken back through time to an Arab village with all its sounds, sights and smells. There was even a video showing us their future plans to make the already amazing city even better. They are going to reclaim more land from the ocean to build little islands in the shape of the globe. Yes. Then the buildings...the buildings...I'd imagine that in the desert they have problems like really high wind speeds and sandstorms but that doesn't get in the way of  their construction of the most beautiful and unique structures. The Burj Khalifa is one of those things you need to see for yourself. No picture or explanation will do it justice so I wont even try. It was the highlight of the trip for me...closely followed by a belly-dancer and the best kaimatis I've ever eaten.
I could sing praises of Dubai til next year but I'll just wrap it up by saying their public transport is better than their private transport system and if you have the chance to go DON'T pass it up.

Theory of stupidity

There's a quote almost everyone knows that was supposedly by Albert Einstein but ,as we all know, the internet at times is not the most reliable of sources. People attribute anything they want people to agree with to famous people. Anyway, the quote goes something like, 'Only 2 things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity'. I may have gotten the wording wrong but that's the general idea of the statement. I, Zker, today would like to say that I disagree with this statement completely. I don't care if Einstein really did say it, he was wrong. Yes. I am controversial like that.

I don't disagree with the universe part. My knowledge of theoretical physics is limited to what I hear on The Big Bang Theory so I'll let him have that one. My problem lies in the human stupidity section. Human stupidity is NOT infinite. Humans are too stupid to have new ways to be stupid. We just keep repeating past stupidity in different scenarios. In high school I liked history because I barely had to read for it. If you know the reasons for one war/uprising, you know the reasons for all the wars/uprisings. The history of the human race is like an episode of Tom and Jerry. You watch thinking,' Yes. Now Tom knows that if he tries to chase Jerry into the hole he will hit his head on the wall,' right before he tries to chase Jerry into the hole and hits his head on the wall. People just keep doing things that they know will not work and there's no logical reason why. So whoever came up with that quote, Einstein or not, you were wrong. Our stupidity is limited but can be applied to a wide range of situations.

Note: If you do not acknowledge how clever the title of this post is then there's something wrong with you. It is amazing wordplay. I deserve an award for this title.

Blessings from the rain gods

I love rain. I don't mean El-nino-esque situations (too many hyphens?), I mean light showers...a hint of thunder, a couple of women running around with paper-bags on their heads... I'm a cloudy weather kind of person. The sun is nice but sunny weather is overrated. And sweaty. That's one of the reasons I love November- other reasons involve a blessing bestowed upon the earth in the form of a baby girl, sent to earth to shine the light of her smile into the hearts of mankind. Yes, I was born in November :)

On to the complaint. This is the 21st century. How do we let little drops of water from the sky dictate our lives? The moment clouds appear to gather all hell breaks loose. Matatus start charging as if the rain will make them take a detour to Lodwar first, people (especially women) become violent, everyone rushes out of their offices -ironically- to beat the traffic jams that they cause by all rushing out at the same time and then the traffic cops show up. Traffic cops. I have a 'the chicken or the egg' dilemma with them. I'm not sure if jams cause them to show up or if jams happen because they showed up.

Then there's the issue of the blackouts. Our electrical systems don't seem to be able to withstand certain amounts of rain. This is mildly insane as the climate generally follows the same pattern year after year...we know what kind of rain we're going to have and when we'll have it but KPLC of KPC- or whatever our electrical company wants to call itself- seems to think we should just keep praying to the rain gods that it will only drizzle that year. UPGRADE!!! Instead of paying for adverts (I always go back to the ads) which you don't need, seeing as you're our sole supplier of electricity, use the money to UPGRADE. And what's this nonsense with the pre-paid meters? Its like a homeless person buying an i-phone. Deal with the important issues first. I can't be having black-outs for the whole day. I'm a modern woman. I have stuff that needs googling.There's a country where the minister for energy(of wherever electricity falls) was forced to resign after a blackout... I'm just saying.

So. Rain is our friend, I hate KPC and November is the best month of the year :) (Yes, yes...October technically hasn't ended yet but I believe November isn't usually given enough time)

False advertising

I've had a couple of posts about Kenyan advertising but this one is the one closest to my heart. The hating shall occur in 3 parts;

1; the kiosk/kibanda
We all have this ka-shop near our estate/school/place of work that sells cheap food. This is not a fancy place. It is pocket friendly, mabati and wood make up the decor and the food is not for the weak of stomach. I don't mind these places as I am quite, as they say, 'hood' but I find it so funny when these places have pictures of ice-cream sundaes, pizzas and burgers. WHY are you putting up pictures of that food when you're serving people limp cabbage and yellow-ish ugali?? Are you trying to make people feel bad? Take a picture of your funny looking ndengu with its many stones and hang it up there instead of downloading the first thing you saw on google. Liars.

2.The salon/barber shop
I know for a fact that Beyonce does not do her hair near afya centre. Why do you have her picture hanging outside your salon? This may be the reason for so many bad weaves in Nairobi. People go in with high expectations only to leave looking like poodles. Take a picture of work that you've actually done, it makes more sense. I know for a fact that most girls like getting their picture taken. It wouldn't be too hard to convince someone to be your hair model.

3.The passport size photo place
These ones seem to like Chris Brown because yes, of course Chris Brown would go downtown for passport size photos. It doesn't make sense to me that your sample pictures are of people who may not even know where Nairobi is. Yes its a nice picture but you didn't take it. How am I supposed to trust your work when you don't have enough faith in it to use it in your advertising?I think American celebs would find it interesting to walk around town, it would be a strange experience for them. Close to omniscience :D

Hairology

This post is a bit heavier than my usual ones so if you want to laugh...go to the next post :). This is what happens when I blog in the middle of the night *spooky noises* (This blog is awesome. Which other blog will give you such amazing sound effects???)

Due to some walldropping -one of my made up words- on facebook (I am not proud...but we've all clicked on a link that wasn't meant for us, am I right?) I discovered something that's been right under our noses...something that could shake the very foundations of our beliefs as Africans. A discovery that will forever change the way we view life. What is this discovery? Hang on... *suspense-y noises* ( I don't know what they are but they must exist) this post is called hairology so I have to explain that first THEN come back to the discovery. I promise they are related.

The link was to a website about black girls getting back to their roots (literally) and growing back their natural hair i.e. operation ditch the perm. It's something I've been considering so I read a couple of articles and they had some really good info ...but there's something unnerving that stood out in many of the posts. My decision to 'go natural' is mostly for financial(I am poor) and time-saving(I have no time for salons) purposes but from the articles I read its like black girls NEED to be convinced that their natural hair is ok. As in this going natural thing is seriously a revolution(trust me to unwittingly stumble into one). There's a particular jargon associated with it, testimonies, encouragement, the whole package. Personally I think its weird that we have to have a revolution for us to do something which is meant to come to us naturally. When did we get to this point where we have to be told that its possible to keep natural hair? When did we start thinking that we got 'stuck with the bad hair'? Obviously if you treat your hair like a white girl it will break like a nonsense because you may think you're white, but your hair knows better. We don't have to copy everything that's thrown at us.
I'm not saying we all have beautiful hair. Some people just have bad hair, but it's not dependent on race. If you're one of those its ok. These days people make very realistic hair, you can go buy some. I'm not saying its bad to experiment, go try all the colours, chemicals and feathers (I've been seeing them in people's hair of late) you want. I'm just saying don't do it to escape the fact that you're black. We are so self loathing that we have to be told that we are fine the way God made us. We've let other people set standards for our beauty, and we try so hard to get to them without ever wondering what was so wrong with us in the first place.

So what was the discovery? I discovered that its ok to be black.

sexy oil?I think not!

Again, I have misled you with my title (mwahahaha!). This is not a post about...whatever you thought it was going to be about. Its another one about adverts that don't make sense to me. These 2 ads are not bad per se...they just seem unrelated to the products they're selling. Cooking oil and sanitary towels are NEVER EVER meant to be sexy. You just can't do that. You can't allow me to think its an ad for condoms right up to the end then spring every day products which should NEEEEEVER EEEEVER be thought of in a sexual context.(EVER)

1. stripper pads (Yes, yes man who is reading this blog, I said pads. Get over it.)
I've only seen this ad once so I'm just hoping and trusting that the stupidity of the human race is at a constant and not -as previously thought- increasing. This ad features a very attractive woman stripping. It's a really short ad and they show what they call 'tasteful nudity' so you don't really see anything but you know she's taking off her clothes...then the ad ends and they say the brand name of the pads. That's it. I'm not an expert. Maybe the strippers were converting to tampons. I have no idea. I just think the ad is stupid.It's a stripper, then its sanitary towels.

2.sexy oil
If I wore a hat I'd take it off to the guys who came up with the ad...then throw it at them. It has everything. A woman who appears to really REALLY like tomatoes, a man who likes to watch her like tomatoes, a rather large fish getting spanked, water and oil flying everywhere, weird facial expressions...then suddenly they're on a beach and guess what, they were advertising cooking oil. I honestly did not know cooking oil could be hot in more than one way! I tried to rationalize this ad, I really did. I CAN'T. Are they insinuating that there are other uses for cooking oil? Are they promoting disciplinary action against fish? I'm so confused.

I'll give these 2 products this, they've got people talking about them...but I still think they're idiotic :)

Ode to SUPER-DOUGHNUT

I was going through my list of posts deleting drafts when I came across this one...I don't know why I didn't post it and now the place that sells the SUPER-DOUGHNUT no longer exists. I decided to just share this experience with those of you who were unlucky enough to have missed out on the super snack. Ladies and gentlemen (all 3 of you) let me take you back to a time when life was simpler...food was cheaper...and SUPER-DOUGHNUTS roamed the land opposite my university...

                                                     *time traveling noises*

                                                             
SUPER-DOUGHNUT
This wonderful creation that I decided to name the SUPER-DOUGHNUT (the name has caught on quite fast :))came to me via one of my classmates(without his knowledge) on a Thursday morning. The owner of the SUPER-DOUGHNUT (notice how I only write the name in upper case. It's for emphasis) came to class with this gigantic paper bag that I just lengad 'cause it didn't look extraordinary. I thought it was a t-shirt or something...anyway so he sits down and discloses to one of my girlfriends that he has a doughnut in the massive paper bag. WAIT!

DISCLAIMER:I'm making this part of the story up as I go along. I actually don't know how she discovered that it was a doughnut. I was listening to the lecturer :D My knowledge of what happened that morning begins when I was offered the SUPER-DOUGHNUT.

So he tells her that he has a doughnut and she wonders out loud exactly how many he bought. He tells her that it's just one doughnut and that it's bigger than her head. She gasps, slaps him across the cheek(too much?) and calls him a liar. He grins, savouring the confused look on her face and whips out his doughnut (hehe...sounds a bit wrong). The sheer size of it makes her eyes bulge out of their sockets and exclaim, "It's HUGE!" (hehe...ok. That was the last one). This is when she made the decision to pinch off a large piece and share it with me and a couple of other people. In my defense I didn't know that I was eating stolen goods at first...and it was so yummy that when I found out I didn't really care. I know most of you will not believe me but I SWEAR that thing is HUMONGOUS. Its a monstrosity! The mother of all doughnuts! We ate quite a bit of that doughnut before we were caught and still didn't do enough damage to piss off the owner. After class I really wanted to buy one but was told they only make 3 per day. That only made me want one more! What is it about unavailable things that makes them so irresistible...anyway I craved its cinnamon-y goodness the whole day and created scenes in my mind that involved me being alone with a SUPER-DOUGHNUT. I think that even if the SUPER-DOUGHNUT tasted awful I'd still want one just to say that I have eaten a doughnut bigger than my head.

                                                  *time traveling noises*
Clearly, my love for brackets and alama za dukuduku(I always forget what they're called in English. Those 3 dots that make things suspense-y) has only become greater with time :D

What are you selling?

I almost didn't want to post this because my last post was my 69th :D ANYWAY innuendos aside I haven't posted in a couple of months. I refuse to be bullied into feeling apologetic towards my readers (I seem to get like one more every year but yay! I'm not complaining :) ). It is within my rights as a person to be lazy.

Today I'm talking about adverts. Our advertising companies are seriously unable to relate to their audience. Case and point;

1. Roof-adillo
People I talk to often will by now be tired of hearing me complain about this ad. It stars an animated armadillo climbing a roof. I have so many problems with this. We live in a country where most of the population has no idea what an armadillo is. We have never seen one because we don't have any (probably why its animated...but then again I don't know how an armadillo would react to being put on a roof. Maybe steel makes them violent :D). Another thing, what was the point of the armadillo? The ad was for roofing sheets. Are we to believe that they're armadillo-resistant? Or that they give free armadillos with each purchase? If their point was the sheets are as strong as an armadillo, guess what; I HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG THOSE THINGS ARE. Use examples I can relate to. I don't know...make a guy eat Ugali and compare him to the mabati or something. It's not my job so if my example sucks...its still better than the armadillo :D

2. Oh God please make it stop
This one takes the cake.It features babies bodies that have been CGI'd into a kind of club where they partake in 'save the last dance'-esque (remember that dance movie?)activities. First of all I hate it when they make babies and animals do things on TV that they shouldn't be able to do in real life, so the whole dancing babies in a possibly romantic situation does not fly with me. It's weird, creepy and should be illegal. Secondly, the ad is to promote the drinking of milk. Not a particular brand, just milk in general and I want to know why. Is there a national calcium deficiency we should know about? I need to know these things! If we are in danger of becoming a boneless nation we need to be warned. Though that would be kind of awesome. When you call someone spineless and they really don't have a spine...anyway I digress (as usual) . Thirdly what do they hope to gain from airing that ad? Am I supposed to be motivated to drink milk so I can fulfill my childhood dream of wearing pampers to the club? Honestly I don't know exactly who their target audience is. If they were trying to be cute they have FAILED.

I'm not a journalist,buuuut....

There have been complaints about my inconsistency in blogging. Actually one complaint. No one really reads my insightful and heartfelt pieces. On the plus side, the one person is NOT my mum so yaaay! and sorry Duncan. I'll try harder :)

Since its Easter weekend and I've been abandonned by virtually EVERYONE, I'm bored. So today I picked up a newspaper (I read them once in a while. I mostly depend on the internet for information. It's faster,easier and cheaper although sometimes the information I get has even less substance than the info in those tabloids for 10 bob. Those things have the funniest stories!!! But I digress...)and I was appalled. I read the worst piece of journalism. Actually let me rephrase that, my eyes were assaulted by the worst piece of attempted journalism that has ever been printed. I won't name the paper. I'm not sure of the legal ramifications of that...(as if they'd ever find this blog).The content of the story wasn't so bad (kinda boring and obvious but not bad) but the grammar! Oh Lord! I thought newspapers had editors. Did the editor go on holiday? Did he let his 10 year old kid do his work for him? WAS HE HIGH??? I wont claim to be an expert on journalism- as seen in the way I write- but I know someone somewhere is definitely not doing their job. I'm offended that he (I'll assume the editor was a man. I still have faith in women) thought no one would notice that atrocity. That article has even given me hope. I dont need to find a profitable talent. I just need to write for that paper. You clearly only need to have made it through standard 4 to write for them so I'll be good. The worst thing about the article was the attempts at humour...they were so painfull that I was wincing as I read them. I acknowledge that not everyone has my undeniable wit and uncanny sense of timing *flips hair over shoulder* but the guy could have tried harder.

In completely unrelated news this song is AWESOME. It's made me molest the repeat button - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXWlmg6p0-g

Naked people

As usual I have a misleading title. I'm not going to complain about the fact that a large number of my fellow women have been gradually developing an allergy to clothes (though it IS very rant-worthy). Today, its about the government's secret plan to make us naked. The reasons for this are not quite clear to me yet but conspiracy theorists(not really.Just me) think the government intends to make the most of prostitution before it becomes legal i.e. make all women look like whores so we can get arrested and fined for prostitution thus increasing the amount of money available for our leaders to take their mistresses on holiday, build mansions and buy gigantic T.V's to watch the rest of us die of starvation in HD. I digress. The topic is nudity. So last night on the news I saw that they're levying taxes on mitumba clothes. As an average Kenyan citizen of average means I was appalled. I don't like to use a lot of money on ANYTHING!(Mostly because I rarely have any but that's not the point) Mitumba provides an alternative source of affordable but fashion forward clothing for Kenyans who don't like going into a store and seeing one t-shirt reproduced 30 times and more importantly for those who can't afford the things in those stores whose target is the middle and upper class Kenyan who makes up less than half the population. Why are they taxing them?? People are already taxed for everything. Its not as if there's no money. We can see the money going to buy the M.P's chairs costing 200,000 bob and buying expensive cars and hiring foreign lawyers to represent them for crimes they committed against the very people who chose them to lead...ANYWAY, I digress again. So yes. They are imposing taxes so that we cant afford clothes leaving us with no choice but to wear fewer items of clothing, making us look like ladies of the night so we can get arrested and fined for prostitution. Yeah. I said it.

Ban evil children...happy new year!

Happy new year! First post of 2012 which is apparently the end of the world (again). I personally think that people keep predicting the end of the world because they get off on the idea. I don't mean that most people are necrophiliacs... I just mean that the danger that comes with being so close to death is a turn on, but its also safe because you're not REALLY putting yourself at risk. Religions that believe in any kind of apocalypse clearly state that no human can ever be right in predicting the end days so why bother? I'll tell you why. It's exciting :) ANYWAY, that's just me.

I want to start off this year by complaining about demonic babies. No, not those insane children who try to bite your toes and leap off tables like some miniature version of cat-woman(I'm not making this up. I met this child). Those babies are just hyper-active. I'm talking about those movies that have possessed kids or demons disguised as children. It is seriously freaky! I don't scare easily but when a movie has an axe-murdering, soul sucking or shape-shifting child I can almost die. I think horror movies should be like porn. You cant act in it unless you're above 18 or else they'll arrest your parents or whoever they arrest. Anyone found selling films with such content should be fined or beaten or whatever and there should be campaigns against child-horrorography (not a word). Who's with me?!!!

In unrelated news: 2011 was an amazing year for me. Thanks to all the amazing people in my life who played their part (some more than others :)) in my 2011, there are so many moments that will torment me/ I'll cherish for the rest of my life. I don't like to be overly emotional or personal on the internet so yeah...mnajijua :)

meh...

I haven't posted anything in I think over a month mostly because I've been too happy to complain about anything (someone's doing a good job ;)) and partly because I've been too lazy to type...but now that my lecturers and fellow students are on strike (again) I have time to plague the internet with my sense of self-importance. Why else would anyone start a blog like this? I think that my fleeting thoughts are mostly strokes of such sheer genius that I have to share them with the 2 other people that read my blog. Now let me talk about this strike thing. Or rather complain...

My lecturers went on strike this week and at first I was happy. I was hoping it would last a couple of days or at most a week so that I could have some time to breathe and start some of the many, many, MANY assignments I have never even looked at. It seems that my prayers were answered a little bit too well. Now I have no idea when the strike or rather 'downing of tools' (apparently the strike was illegal so they stopped calling it a strike and carried on) will end. I'm not very worried. I guess the time lost will be recovered by eating into my holiday but for other students it's kind of unfair. Imagine you're just about to graduate then boom; Str...er...downing of tools. I get why the lecturers are pissed off. I would absolutely do the same thing if I was paid- or rather not paid- the way they are so once again the fault lies with the government. I say 'once again' because almost all the problems we have as a country are the fault of our government. Think of a problem and you can almost certainly find a way to trace it back to the government. Unemployment, inflation, bad t.v.(not really). Democracy is so over-rated...I think we need a new political system. Dictatorship is not a plan and democracy is just dictatorship in heels and a minidress.ANYWAY, I try not to get too heavy on my blog because I am a happy person. Kinda. I'm also afraid that the secret police will come after me.(Do we have secret police?)